Forever memories 

New York City the city that never sleeps, the city of a thousand dreams, and the mixing pot of America. To me this city presents me with freedom. 
This last week I was in NYC. This is my favorite place in the entire world. In this city I don’t have to worry about those who judge me. Of course I know that people are constantly judging but for some reason it doesn’t seem to even register in my head while I am here. I walked out in my cat ears and Madonna hair and I felt carefree. I danced in the streets and sang out loud and didn’t care. Smiling like a manic while walking down 5th avenue? No problem!

Usually I am EXTREMELY self conscious of how I look and act in public. I don’t want to be considered freakish or weird by strangers. Yet in NY I didn’t care if people thought I was a weirdo dancing and singing while wearing cat ears and having marshmallow hair. All I cared about was having fun and enjoying my time.

For years I’ve felt like I have to put on a mask and pretend to be someone I’m not. Yet on this trip I felt more like myself than I have felt for a REALLY long time. I felt like a carefree child again. I didn’t care if my stomach was showing, if my scars were noticeable, if I wasn’t wearing a lot of makeup, if my acne was bad, or if I didn’t look normal. I cared that I was happy. One hundred percent pure, true, and more real than ever happy.
Now I know you’re probably wondering when I’m going to get to the actual music part so here I go. Thnks Fr Th Mmrs (aka Thanks For The Memories) by Fall Out Boy (FOB). If you’ve ever heard them before you know they are known for their extremely long titles as well as their amazing music. 
Now if you search up the song lyrics to this song you might be confused as to what it has anything to do with what I previously wrote. 
Well let me explain. Like I previously mentioned NY was an unforgettable experience and compared to my past this was like spending a week in a fairy tale. The beginning of the song describes how you have to enjoy the time you have and make the best out of it. When they say “I’m going to make it bend and break say your prayer but let the good times roll in case god doesn’t show” I sorta interpreted that even if you have expectations you have to be willing to let things happen naturally because you never know what amazing things you’ll find. One example of this was in Central Park. We were looking for the Alice in wonderland statue and we got a little lost due to my mother’s lack of ability to read google maps correctly. 
Although we basically made an entire circle and at the time I was grumpy and tiered I now realize all the great things I took for granted. I saw bridges , gorgeous flowers, couples enjoying themselves without a care in the world, friends having the time of their lives, lost of adorable doggies!!!, a really cute gay couple that made my day, and the breathtaking scenery all around me. If we hadn’t gotten lost I don’t think I would’ve seen such a magical and joyful side of the park. 
The words “thanks for the memories” and “it tastes like you only sweeter” are connected in my mind as a sort of thanks. Yeah I’m a genius right? Anyway when I thought about it it felt as if I was thanking NY for all the amazing memories I was making and saying to my past memories that although they were ok this was a billion times better. And for once I was okay with my present outweighing my past. 
” I’m looking forward to the future but my eyesight is going bad and this crystal ball it’s only cloudy except for when you look into the past” I have never been able to fully enjoy the present let alone think about the potential the future has to offer without worrying about my past repeating. Although I have tried to move on I believe that I have to be able to fully forgive myself to let go. And as FOB says I have to be able to taste things a little sweeter. And I hope one day I can say those were great memories I can’t wait to make better ones.


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