Holding on

Have you ever wanted to let go? Even if for just a minute. What would happen if I disappeared. Like if I just instantly vanished. What would the world do? Would anyone care?

“Stop, take it in and I

Breathe for a minute, I

Think too much when I’m alone

I never win when I Keep all my thoughts inside

So I’ll pick up the phone”

These were the type of thoughts that used to roam my head. I often wondered what would happen if I just disappeared. Then when my mind would clear enough for me to realize what exactly these thoughts meant I would quickly pick up my phone and shove my earbuds in. All while blasting my music as loud as I could in hopes of drowning out these disturbing and alarming thoughts.

“And my dad says, “Shawn, stay with me

Everything will be alright

I know I haven’t seen you lately

But you’re always on my mind”

After I went into the hospital at the beginning of February earlier this year. I began to fear that my family would hate me and simply abandon me for being their imperfect and broken daughter. Then my mum would always come by and with a hug or a quick cuddle moment I would be reassured that I was wanted and loved.

“I don’t know what

You’re going through

But there’s so much life

Ahead of you

And it won’t slow down

No matter what you do

So you just gotta hold on

All we can do is hold on, yeah”

Even on those dark nights that my mood plummeted far beyond the gates of hell and my tears fell like crystal waterfalls from my cheeks my mum found a way to make sure that I felt loved. She would stay up countless hours just to show me that she would always be there.

“These days are flying by

Weeks feel like minutes, I

Can’t remember being small

I try to figure it out

I can’t seem to find out how

I guess I don’t know much at all”

Yes I had the love from my friends and family surrounding me but even then the darkness found ways to bypass that and make me fear myself and everything around me.

“ All we can do is hold on

Yeah, you just gotta hold on

Just, just hold on

Just hold on for me”

This might be the most powerful phrase that someone who truly cares for you will say to you. A reassurance that it will all be ok is worth nothing. To be able to have someone that you love and that loves you back tell you this sparks a tiny bit of hope within you. While this might not seem like much it can and has saved many lives.

http://www.shawnmendesofficial.com

https://youtu.be/cbGWmRT3lIU

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Scars

We all have scars. Wether it’s from falling off a bike and scraping out knee or a more life threatening matter such as surgery. Some scars are internal like those of a broken heart and others are more visible to the public. Each scar tells a story usually that story is of pain. Here is mine…

“Those scars on your wrists are the mark of the world”

Yes I have scars, plenty actually. I have one on my elbow from being shoved in the playground, one on my left knee from falling off the sidewalk, and then I have those from my self harm. Yes you read that correctly. I used to self harm. I have plenty of scars on my arms, wrists, fingers, thighs, legs, hips, chest, heart (from heartbreak), and stomach.

“An ocean that’s left you so torn

But remember the heart you brought into this world

The same one as when you were born”

Each scar tells of a battle that I fought. My enemies are the voices within my own head. Each spewing fowl and hateful words to and about me. Years of bullying plus my own personal bullies in my head became to much and soon I found release and comfort in a small silver blade.

“How confused you must be

Finding love in the blood that you bleed”

At first I thought I could handle it, after all I was in control and only did it when needed. Soon however I lost control over when I did it and how deep I went. It became an addiction. I found myself in an abyss of hate, pain, and misery.

“But the truth is that I see

Why you say that ‘it’s hard to be me’

And we all make mistakes

Its not you, but this world you should hate

You’re as beautiful as you were yesterday”

Before I found music cutting was my only source or release and escape from the cruel reality I lived in. Then music slowly made its way into my life and began to heal me. One day as I was contemplating how to write my goodbye note a song came up on a YouTube mix. This song was named Scars by SayWeCanFly. Immediately I was captivated by the lyrics and as I realized their meaning I broke down. I couldn’t do it. I tore the paper up and I flushed my blade. I spent the rest of the night crying my eyes out as I heard this song over and over again.

This song soon became my saving grace whenever I felt lost and whenever the urge became too strong.

“And those tears in your eyes are the product of lies

You’ve been lead to believe that they’re true

But remember the light you brought into this world

I promise it will get you through”

I’ve struggled,

I’ve fought,

I’ve suffered.

Yet I am alive,

I am here,

I am living.

This is me,

Who I am.

I’m not afraid,

I’m unashamed.

(P.S. I am extremely proud to say that today is my five month anniversary of being clean! Also my two month anniversary with my boyfriend!)

https://youtu.be/ofVPaPVXprw

https://www.bradenbarrie.com

https://youtu.be/T9hY92cP2VA

Staying alive

“Your thoughts become your enemies” although it may not seem logical that your own mind can betray you and torture you I assure you it is very possible. I often find myself staring into space and then my mind begins to wonder. Now you may be asking yourself what so wrong with that? just let me explain. When my mind wanders it can start off as simple as wondering why the sky is blue. Then it’s as if Tim Burton and Stephen King teamed up to twist my thoughts into scenarios that physically hurt me and terrify me. Strange I know.”When you’re locked inside this cage life can feel dead to me and all that’s left is rage”. At times I feel as if I’m trapped not only within my own mind but also in a life that I don’t want. This makes me feel like life is not worth living at times and other times it fills me up with rage hot enough to melt hell. I’m a ticking time bomb as I like to call it.

“Regrets for al the time we wasted thinking of ourselves holding on to pain you tasted living in this hell”. As I mentioned in my last article,Forever Memories, I have an extremely hard time moving on from my past and at times I hold on too tightly that I just end up in a cycle of never ending guilt and pain.

“Don’t wanna go back home tonight so I’ll drive this road alone”, at times the situations I find myself in are not the most pleasant or interesting and I find myself closing off and in a way being alone. It usually is not a good thing as my mind begins to wander.

“Stay alive for the good times stay alive through the bad stay alive for the hopes and the dreams the best that we ever had” is a motto I often find myself repeating when I feel sad or I have one of my depression episodes. It helps to remind me that storms may be harsh but they will eventually pass and you will get to the rainbow (that’s another one of my moto’s).

“I can take you from this god forsaken place”. I tell this to myself when I just want to escape. I never know what I’m escaping from but I have a good hunch that it’s myself. And who knows maybe I will move on and face life head held high.

“Your fear controls everything never lets you turn the page”. I’m often so terrified of the unknown and what’s to come. As I have already mentioned it’s because I don’t ever want to repeat my past.

“We only end up settling for when we both felt sane”. This part always makes me laugh because I feel like it’s the type of discussion my brain and heart have all the time. Problem is they haven’t settled so I’m not sane. I’m my amazing crazy and quite quirky self! This is both a good and a bad thing. I can be supper fun to be with or extremely annoying to handle.

“Reaching out for something that you can’t quite hold on to”. At times I hold on to this dream or hope for my life and my future that I forget my present. This makes it hard to focus on the reality I’m living in. This also causes me a lot of pain md heartache for having my head in the clouds.

“Say goodbye and start it over

When there’s nothing left for you”. After I was released from the mental hospital I realized I had to say goodbye to all my past mistakes and wrong mindset. I needed to push the restart button and begin my life again. I knew that going back held nothing for me and I just had to keep moving.

This song has been a literal life savior for me. When I thought I was done fighting and there was nothing left for me I heard Andy’s voice, and it brought me out of my haze and reminded me that there is more to life than pain you just have to keep on living or you’ll never see it.
https://youtu.be/6RWix-hJBSU
https://youtu.be/wRS5um3M0WQ

Forever memories 


New York City the city that never sleeps, the city of a thousand dreams, and the mixing pot of America. To me this city presents me with freedom. 
This last week I was in NYC. This is my favorite place in the entire world. In this city I don’t have to worry about those who judge me. Of course I know that people are constantly judging but for some reason it doesn’t seem to even register in my head while I am here. I walked out in my cat ears and Madonna hair and I felt carefree. I danced in the streets and sang out loud and didn’t care. Smiling like a manic while walking down 5th avenue? No problem!

Usually I am EXTREMELY self conscious of how I look and act in public. I don’t want to be considered freakish or weird by strangers. Yet in NY I didn’t care if people thought I was a weirdo dancing and singing while wearing cat ears and having marshmallow hair. All I cared about was having fun and enjoying my time.

For years I’ve felt like I have to put on a mask and pretend to be someone I’m not. Yet on this trip I felt more like myself than I have felt for a REALLY long time. I felt like a carefree child again. I didn’t care if my stomach was showing, if my scars were noticeable, if I wasn’t wearing a lot of makeup, if my acne was bad, or if I didn’t look normal. I cared that I was happy. One hundred percent pure, true, and more real than ever happy.
Now I know you’re probably wondering when I’m going to get to the actual music part so here I go. Thnks Fr Th Mmrs (aka Thanks For The Memories) by Fall Out Boy (FOB). If you’ve ever heard them before you know they are known for their extremely long titles as well as their amazing music. 
Now if you search up the song lyrics to this song you might be confused as to what it has anything to do with what I previously wrote. 
Well let me explain. Like I previously mentioned NY was an unforgettable experience and compared to my past this was like spending a week in a fairy tale. The beginning of the song describes how you have to enjoy the time you have and make the best out of it. When they say “I’m going to make it bend and break say your prayer but let the good times roll in case god doesn’t show” I sorta interpreted that even if you have expectations you have to be willing to let things happen naturally because you never know what amazing things you’ll find. One example of this was in Central Park. We were looking for the Alice in wonderland statue and we got a little lost due to my mother’s lack of ability to read google maps correctly. 
Although we basically made an entire circle and at the time I was grumpy and tiered I now realize all the great things I took for granted. I saw bridges , gorgeous flowers, couples enjoying themselves without a care in the world, friends having the time of their lives, lost of adorable doggies!!!, a really cute gay couple that made my day, and the breathtaking scenery all around me. If we hadn’t gotten lost I don’t think I would’ve seen such a magical and joyful side of the park. 
The words “thanks for the memories” and “it tastes like you only sweeter” are connected in my mind as a sort of thanks. Yeah I’m a genius right? Anyway when I thought about it it felt as if I was thanking NY for all the amazing memories I was making and saying to my past memories that although they were ok this was a billion times better. And for once I was okay with my present outweighing my past. 
” I’m looking forward to the future but my eyesight is going bad and this crystal ball it’s only cloudy except for when you look into the past” I have never been able to fully enjoy the present let alone think about the potential the future has to offer without worrying about my past repeating. Although I have tried to move on I believe that I have to be able to fully forgive myself to let go. And as FOB says I have to be able to taste things a little sweeter. And I hope one day I can say those were great memories I can’t wait to make better ones.

https://youtu.be/onzL0EM1pKY

https://youtu.be/3jx7SF65wbs

Warped at last


Pumping music, screams of joy and passion, guitar solos that rock you to your core, and unforgettable memories. This is Warped Tour. 

Saturday July the 30th. This was the day where I was going to experience my first concert ever. The energy was pumping through my veins giving me a buzz of happiness and hyperactivity. The smile on my face reached from ear to ear. Nothing could make me happier than to experience this fantastic event. I had even managed to get my boyfriend and mom to join me!

Although the heat was grueling and it seemed as if our shoes were melting on the pavement it all seemed irrelevant when it came to everything else around me. 

Looking around at all the people was amazing. You could see so many different ages and styles there. Scenes, punks, emos, rockers, and even every day people who didn’t need to identify as anything but themselves. But most of all you saw fans. Fans who were smiling, jumping up and down, screaming, and taking everything in. 

The first thing I did was check the schedules for my top three bands/artist. Once I had that down I quickly ran/dragged my boyfriend to the Journey’s left foot stage and got ready to jam with Hawthorn Heights. As we waited for the show to begin my boyfriend took me over to listen to Fear and Wonder. I admittedly have only heard this band once on the radio, but at that moment the buzz and happiness of those around me swept me in and I began to jam out. 

Finally the time had come to hear and see Hawthorn Heights. The drums began and the guitar soon followed. It was as if I was in a trance because I could feel the music and as I looked around me I felt pure and utter joy.

At 95 degrees you need to stay hydrated so my boyfriend pulled me out about half way through and broke my trance to go get water. Although I complained at first I realized I was thirsty and needed to be conscious to see what I had come here for.

While at rest in the shade I heard so many different bands play and although I didn’t recognize many they all had one thing in common. The fact that they could bring people together because of the sense of familiarity and comfort that their songs have the fans. 

At last it came time for my favorite artist performing that day. Andy Black. I was super excited and a ball of hyperactive energy bouncing around and giggling every 5 seconds. Then the familiar tune of ribcage came on and I sang along word by word it was a pretty emotional time for me so I cried. I cried because of the happiness I felt, because I realized I had survived the everything and was here to see one of my saviors performing live, and because I realized I was getting better little by little. After ribcage came homecoming king, a cover for an Adele song, a duet with Juliette Sims, and finally my all time favorite we don’t have to dance. 

After that We were all exhausted and overheated so we decided to go home. Even though you might say that we didn’t fully enjoy warped I say that the memories I made and the feeling of pure joy within me was the perfect way to end my warped experience.

Hawthorn Heights performance:

https://youtu.be/x0XeLNCJivI

https://youtu.be/1O0-fnuS_yU

https://youtu.be/6GjE4D-97zo

https://youtu.be/Djy1PDRDHhU

Andy Black performance:

https://youtu.be/Pk22UuSlcdo

https://youtu.be/8tPkee8ii9o

The rage inside


Have you ever felt so angry that you start to shake and you wish to tear everything and everyone around you apart? If you have then you know how hard it is to calm yourself down before you explode. 

Like many teens I experience various mood swings throughout the day and sometimes I just get to that point where I’m so pissed at the world. I know that if I explode and let my anger rain free I would deeply regret it. So I had to find a way to quench the burning flames or rage.

As many of you know Sleeping With Sirens is one of my favorite bands and they are actually the ones that have helped me with my explosive anger moments. The song Kick Me is a very powerful song. When I lip sink it feels like I am letting my anger go little by little. 

I have this song practically memorized and have been listening to it for almost two years now. I sometimes have to listen to it only once and other times it can be on repeat throughout the day until I fall asleep. 

The song does have two foul words within it but it is understandable seeing as it it a song to express or in my case release anger. 

I have played this song to my mother before in order to show her some of my anger without hurting her but I do believe it was a tad to intense for her. While I agree that the song is quite intense I also know that when feel my heart beating to the same fast beat pace as the song it gives me a sense of calm in a way. It feels like the lyrics course through my veins carrying power through my bloodstream and into my heart. 

For whatever reason my mind and heart have chosen this loud, fast pace, rage filled work of art has been able to help me when the steam coming out of my ears and the roaring flames within are raging bright and loud.

https://youtu.be/jVhKT2LkARo

https://youtu.be/EnAdy_wvxMo

Father… Father…


In the song Trophy Father Trophy Son by Sleeping With Sirens it describes the difficult relationship that Kellin had with his father. When I first heard this song I immediately burst into tears because of how much resentment and hurt I held toward my own father. I felt like this song really embodied my feelings towards the situation I had at hand.

My father. He is a VERY traditional and conservative man. Our opinions and perspectives are complete opposites which is why we ALWAYS clash against each other. It seems as if a simple and plain conversation can be turned into a full on war between us. 

When I was little my father traveled a lot but I don’t really remember it all that much. Then he lost his job and we moved from Texas to California. That year was the best I’ve had, relationship wise, with my father. We were extremely close and would always talk about absolutely everything. Then out of the blue he managed to start a buissness in the oil industry.  At that moment my life and relationship with him changed forever. 

He began to travel days at a time and the more work he got the more distant he was. When I had finally made a true friend in Cali it felt like life wanted me to feel pain. I had to endure the abuse from a close friend both physically and emotionally, I was betrayed by many other thought to be friends, and I lost the relationship I had with my father that year. We ended up moving back to Texas in order to see my father more often. Even though I did not want to leave my best friend behind I was excited to start a new life and the hope that was fluttering in my chest at the chance to reconnect with my father was immense. 

Let me tell you that being a teenager is hard for everyone. I myself as a teen have faced my demons and been through hell itself. Bullying from my fellow peers at school, betrayals from friends or rather thought to be friends, facing the challenges of being a teen as well as all the self hate I felt towards myself, and a family that did not understand. 

Since I’ve never been very brave I had to find another way to explain to my family what I felt and thought. I began to play songs that I thought explained my situation and each and every time it was immediately shut off by my father. He hated how I dressed and spoke. I felt like I was a true disappointment to him. I could see the way he looked at my sister with such pride in his eyes because she was, and still is, following in his footsteps. All while I was failing math, getting B’s, oh and of course everything else about me and my life was NEVER good enough for him.

My father is not a bad man. In fact he is a really great man, but as any human he has his flaws. I can’t speak for him or give you his backstory because that is not my story to tell, but I will say that in my opinion he has this picture of a perfect family in his mind. 

This image that he pictures is EXTREMELY DIFFERENT from actual reality. Yes my sister is a genius but she is more introverted than a snail. My mother is the most stubborn liberal feminist that you will EVER meet. And I? I’m well I’m an emotional teen dealing with mental health issues who has a boyfriend who is two years older than me and likes punk music. All in all we are definitely NOT what the “perfect” family would look like. 

The more I grow up and experience life the more it seems we clash. I have tried to reason and connect with him, believe me I have. It seems to me that when he asks me a question about my life he expects to hear a certain answer and when that isn’t given he gets mad at me! I think that is enough ranting on my part. Let me tell you more about what this song did for me.

After I was released from the mental hospital I played this song to my mom. She cried so hard and so did I. She finally knew part of what I felt. Whenever my father is gone and the pain of his absence turns into anger I immediately plug in my earbuds and put play to the very familiar song. 

For anyone out there dealing with family issues I would suggest finding something you love that lets your mind wonder somewhere that will bring peace to you. Music has been my escape and I hope one day everyone can find theirs.
https://youtu.be/xT-Q1bYIN8k

https://youtu.be/YIJYvdKTLx0

Bravery from Black Veil Brides


Black Veil Brides. Powerful, strong, meaningful. This is the band that has helped me to gather my courage and face the world head on. Andy Biersack the amazing and caring giant also the lead vocalist, Jinxx the hyper active and adorable violinist, Ashley Purdy sassy and always on point plays bass guitarist, Jake Pitts handsome and talented is on lead guitar, and Cristian Coma (aka CC) lively and rocking the stage with his drums. 

Some of the most inspirational and empowering songs from this group are In The End, Knives and Pens, Fallen Angels, Rebel Love Song, Goodbye Agony, Heart of Fire, Lost it All, Perfect Weapon, Smoke and Mirrors, The Mortician’s Daughter, Never Give In, All Your Hate, and We Don’t Belong. These songs filled me with energy and allowed me to move on from the many challenges I faced during my middle school years.

This band taught me very important lessons that helped me survive these last few treacherous years. These lessons included learning to fight for what I believed in, getting through a challenging and keeping my head high, being myself and not be ashamed to show my scars to the world, sometimes pain and spite can blur your view on reality, being different and unique is perfectly fine so why not embrace it, and finally one of the ones that has helped the most has been learning to move on from the pain, the hurt, and the despair and chaos filled past that I’ve lived. I also learned that pretending to be someone I’m not will only come back and bite me in the butt. Another thing I learned is that if I keep building my wall and blocking others out it will eventually crumble under all the pressure and I will be left with nothing and be defenseless and vulnerable. 

Both BVB and my amazing boyfriend have taught me to love myself and that love can conquer all including distance. All you have to do is believe and never give up on love or yourself. 

Fallen Angels


Fallen angels. Many believe these creatures of light and pure divinity are the holiest of beings those who have fallen are often seen as evil or dark. These beings are called fallen angels. The rumor behind these fallen beings is that they are dark, impure, tainted. I believe otherwise. I believe that these creatures hold pain too dark to remain in the heavens among those of light. They hold pain beyond imaginable. Because of this they are cast out or fall from the heavens, this falling into a pain and destruction filled world called earth. 

The song Fallen Angels by Three Days Grace is a masterpiece that truly represents my pain as a fallen angel. Many friends and family have told me I’m an angel wether because of my kindness or as they say my ” angelic purity”. For almost 5 years now I’ve held my pain hidden deep inside until recent events have brought every heartbreak, tear, and despair filled moment right up to the surface. 

6 months ago I was admitted into a mental hospital because of my anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, self harming tendencies, and a lot of other dark things within me. I was at the hospital for a week and after I spent almost 4 months in a therapy program. At this program I met my best friend. He helped me find my way out of the darkness and brought light back into my soul. I tried to do the same for him and I believe that the more time we were together the light returned little by little. After our time at the program we spent time as best friends and eventually became boyfriend and girlfriend. 

I strongly feel that this song represents what me and my boyfriend have been able to do for each other.

https://youtu.be/REpmQ8GdMEg

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